Okay today was a very good day away from home today! I got to chill with my coach and a friend, did some brazil butt lift. It has moves i think i've never done before or even considered to for my "bum bum." Brazil butt lift is taught by Leandro Carvalho, the coach to the victoria secret models!! I won't be walking on the run ways anytime soon but i know it's important to keep certain body parts in shape!! His accent will keep you going as he tells you "don't settle for less" and you find your self doing some salsa, hip swaying, booty lifting moves. It's kind of a back to the basics of exercise, like floor moves, but with some new twist. Maybe one day my booty will pass the pencil test!!!
I've been thinking alot about motivation and human desire to make choices that can be either good or bad. As a diabetic i feel like failure is always around the corner, and even though failure can be a learning experience it's not a great one to feel physically in your numbers. That's why it's so important to start each day is new, but hey even that's hard for you normals out there.
I feel i don't have much of choice on what i eat because of my diabetes, but wait a second that's not true.... because couple months ago i was making the bad decisions, eating unhealthy, and consciouly making that decision to do so! I made a decision/choice to change and now that thinking that i don't have a choice because of my diabetes is more like " i choose not to eat this or that because i know i have diabetes and i want to live longer/feel good today"
Granted diabetes isn't like something you can just fix in a day, and nothing in life is like that. It's really easy not to do what your suppose to do with diabetes or your heatlh because nothing happens... right away. Complications never bothered me because i got to eat burger king and make my stomache happy in a second without much thought! Diabetes is full of baby steps, so many i hate them really. I mean it used to be a chore, and can still be one, to just even check my sugar. You have no idea how much i would love to just run free all day exercising like a manic, eating pizza, staying up late, not sleeping, to sleeping all day long! But i can't and won't because i have to be in the best shape sugar wise to just to do something as simple as exercise for a half hour.
These baby steps are the same ones everybody has to do just to start a new goal in life, and making them stick like glue or stick like your daily routine of brushing your teeth can be just as exciting as putting on your clothes in the morning. But i'm proof that even the simple stupid testing of the sugars and taking my insulin, made dramatic changes in my apperance, my attitude, and my passion for life.
I like to compare it to a big gaping black hole, when your sugars aren't good for years like mine was (seriously think rollar coaster with lots of steep hills and terrifying plunges) then it's really hard to find self worth or even a reason to get up everyday. It was to the point where feeling tired, depressed, just down right horrible was NORMAL for me. Nobody should find struggle NORMAL, nobody should find depression and self hate NORMAL, nobody should find themself with a1cs of 12 and 13. You konw what's so shocking about this all, is that i knew this wasn't normal but i did it anyway... because it became easier not to do, yes it was easier to just let myself shrink away becuse i didn't care anymore so why fight why resist al lthe delicious food that could make my sugars sky rocket , why care if they burned my insides up.
Now i didn't feel like this all the time, but this where the hole analogy is so important, because even though i might have been smart enough to now better or even have had a good week or two of sugars the black hole kept sucking me down. One important reason that hole kept on sucking me down is becuse i didn't see resulrts like i wanted. Everybody wants results NOW, we want money NOW, we want to lose weight now! Well believe me when i say i wanted good sugars NOW NOW NOW.
That is the other reason i never tried to keep good blood sugars for very long, because how it felt trying to be normal actually didn't feel to great. My body went into battle mode trying to fight me on normalizing my blood sugars and it felt awful just to be in normal "blood sugars." I would feel so awful it felt like i was doing something worse when i tried to get normal blood sugars, Its like my body hated what i was doing to it! Why would something so good feel so bad? Because my body didn't like changes i was making, i was redefining normal and my body was just begging for the easy way out again.(easy to do was putting myself into this mess to begin with, easy not to do was never taking care of myself) But i had to reteach my body, and it took a couple weeks, some times i had good days and some yes were bad. I did alot of mundane boring stuff, that now is routine for me, checking my sugar and taking my medicine is normal now. Sometimes i do want to resist and sometimes i will resisit, but i find myself still being drawn to checking and taking insulin. Which is such a big leap from where i was before, far away from the big black hole.
They say that a diabetic can do anything (as good as you norms out there), but what they don't tell you is that diabetic can't do jack shit if their sugars are messed up. You might be wondering where did i get the motivation to do this? I'm sorry but sometimes "future" life with complications is just not enough, kind a goes back to that "NOW" mentality. I guess i got tired of being sick of tired. This is a path i have desperately tried to go down many times, but just felt like i could not do it i guess (stupid black hole) also part of me kind liked the easy way of life where i could PRETEND to act normal. I was always conscious that what i was doing was horrible i just couldn't bring myself to care. Think i just felt like it was time to DO IT, i got sick of my excuses and sick of not using the free tools around me, i had things i wanted to do but felt like i couldn't do. But if you must know the real reason it was two things
1. I got a job, and i thought i could wing it being my bad diabetic self, i also thought i could fix myself while working (some reason i think a schedule will cure all my problems, well it doesn't). I felt awful at work, i drank water like you wouldn't believe, i forgot the most simplist stuff, i had trouble concentrating on what they asked me to do, i constantly doubted my abilities and said sorry more times then i can remember, also food didn't help my diet. Everything about what sucked before, now sucked at work,what sucked at work came home with me made things worse, then the same thing the next day and the next. I felt like i had less time to be diabetc, and you konw what i did b3cause all my energy went into getting though work everyday equaling wasted energy and even MORE lack of energy to do much else. I hated working and i felt so bad because i did want to do a good job i did want to make money! So i decided to quit.
2. Another reason i got motivated was because my doc said she could take my license away.... and no way in hell was that going to happen, that's how i get around!!! So all in all i decided, well if i want to work i need good blood sugar, if i want to drive i need good blood sugar, Dman't i just need to do it. ANd i guess i did...by changing my attitude/behavior/approach towards my blood sugars i was able to start living the life i was meant to live.
I am still a work in process, and i have to make sure i don't fall into the black amiss of the diabetes hole with worry or negativity.
My sugars dictate my life, but it's only because i'm still noob i'm still trying to figure out what makes me go high and what makes me go low. Diabetes is along road of learning and then relearning, what you ask? oh gosh let's not even get into that. Let's just say everyday is never the same, and sometimes i can have a bad sugar day even when i do everything right. Everyday is truly starting over and i don't mean cleaning the slate i mean starting over by letting go of yesterday not worrying about the future and just staying focus on the present. And God please forgive me because i hate baby steps and i love easy way outs, but i have alot of little steps to do, and alot of hardships to stumble through but you don't get to the top of the success ladder by sitting on the coach. :D:D
Just so you know i do think being a beachbody couch is keeping me accountable, because there is one thing i've always wanted to do and that is work out. But there are alot of myths about insulin and diabetics trying to lose weight. I still have to battle with exercise and how TOO WELL it works on my sugars but since my mood has improved i have taken the desire to exercise more seriously and now do it everyday. And with beachbody products i can't get enough of their fitness dvds, and i'm loving working out with my new friends and meeting new people to work out with, and i hope to share the products with other people so they can find it in themselves to be the best that they can be.(and then realize it was in them to do it along, they just needed pointed in the right direction). Also learning the business side has be quite interesting, i'm becoming more adventurous in talking to people about it and comes so naturally because the products are so relatable and usable!
Don't worry i haven't been brain washed (they don't call it crackology for nothin), i just think we all want to be healthy so when something works we need to pass along the good beachbody word. (lol). Remember to human is error, so nobodys perfect, i'm stil me just a more healthier fitness wanna be eat right version now with bad ass tattoos to match the attitude.