i fell off the wagon and it trampled me

YEP i'm officially undiabetic at the momment. Am i proud of it... no... not really.

I'll put it to you this way... my doc asked why and i said the best way i can explain is this:

"I don't like how i feel when i am diabetic, and just as equally i don't like how i feel when i'm not"

It's like i said before... if you can't handle diabetes emotionally then how are you going to deal with the little things in a diabetes life.... How is one to know what they can handle unless they try...

All i know is that since i've started taking antidepressants, i'm pretty happy either way. ( that was a joke, laugh!)

Which leads me to my memorial tattoo i want someday.... i want it to mourn my past life as undiabetic: eating what i want, the alcoholic i could have been (jokes people jokes), the professional sumo wrestler or hotdog eater or heck even super thin model!

Anything else i can memorialize?

lavacakes ahoy

yes i'm finally being a good diabetic... i don't want to sound overly proud about it, because i still want and do eat my fave fast food... i just account for it now :D. I am staying away from sweets, i'm saving those for the lows (shudder).

I guess what got me is i was sick of wasting my time and my docs time and i was sick of feeling sick, so i jumped head first the day after my doc appt.

It's really not as hard as i've been making it out to be these last couple of months (loads of months), the doing part is the easy part now for me, it's like second nature now when i think of eating.

I guess the hard part will be continuing and dealing with the curve balls (god forbid i start exercising just yet!).

The thing that really got me is what my doc said about lantus, he said if i don't eat all day my sugar should be the same. So now i'm less strict about when i eat, and i've learned that alot of times i ate when i was perfectly full just because my sugar was leveling out.

So far my ratio is about 4:10, that's four units for every ten carbs. On top of that i take 40 units of levimir at night.

My eating is sub par at the moment because i'm to lazy to grocery shop, but i make sure i take the correct amount of insulin for whatever i'm eating no matter where.Thats how i started checking my sugar, is just making myself count the carbs and take the right medicine right then and there. I used my wavesense blood sugar application, to keep my results on hand. But since my doc doesn't do email... he wasn't impressed with my device so next time i'll have to manually write
them out (grr). My standard deviation is: 80

I kinda like just eating three meals a day, maybe a snack before bed. I was going crazy eating 3 meals and snacks a day, i felt like a pig! I hope i can distinguish between when i'm actually hungry and when i'm not.... and i hope to start eating a little bit better. But you better believe i'm still spontaneous, so you better hide your cookies cuz i might just steal them...

I'm not incredibly proud of it.. but i'm not ashamed... i've been put on antidepressants... i think they're really helping... my thinking is better and i actually care a little bit more about taking care of myself. I'm not as sad anymore, but don't get me wrong i can still get emotional just more for the right reason now.(missing my hubby)

back on the diabetic wagon, unless dominos lavacakes find their way around me..

shout out to robyn my fellow chocolate conspirator!

shopping,books,purses

Things I would like to note on my vacation:

Sitting in a bookstore, sipping coffee, and reading diabetic books is the only way to go because out of all those books i found only one that i would actually buy. The others are only helpful if you are brand spanking new diabetic, and most of the info you can find from the internet, on this site, or free diabetic education hand outs.

I love purses and shoes, they will always fit!!

I love the show man vs. food, it makes me want to eat jalapenos.

two bite brownies are dangerously delicious

i think i am okay not living in the city, to many people and lot of them not friendly

i think that no matter how old i am i will always love skulls and roses, and i'll probably never own a a dress, makeup, or highheels. I live by the rule of thumb that you should dress comfortably.

I saw one of our very own in the diabetes forecaste, it was the best part of the magazine to see our Hungary ambassador kristen and tudiabetes mentioned!

Shrimp rules all

katamari is the hardest funniest game ever

i just watched day of the dead, i am now wary of a zombie attack

wavesense rocks my world!

i love the marines, only because my hubby is one!

xmas is a time for watching movies and playing video games, as well as eating good food.

i better get started on that!!

haiku story

I wrote a haiku
because i love candy so
high sugars be damned

cocoa bath is good
gummie worms, bears, centipides
in my tummy now

this is just a dream
diabetics dream sometimes
no food is off limits (hahahaha yeah right)

dreaming while low
i yearn double chocolate
cookies fix my low

Suddenly i wake
no crumbs or evidence here
must find real food now

So hard to keep up
high, low, sugar, stress, tired
my brain will explode

Check inject eat right
the diabetic wonder
Wants cookies right now

What a silly blog
diabetic crazy chick
going to sleep now

illness survey

1. The illness I live with is: Type I diabetes

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2007

3. But I had symptoms since: past six months, maybe more :o

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: watching and figuring out what to eat, and making myself check my sugar and eat on time

5. Most people assume: i can't eat sugar

6. The hardest part about mornings are: figuring out what to eat and figuring out how much energy i have to make a meal

7. My favorite medical TV show is: scrubs and House (sometimes)

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: my cell phone or laptop

9. The hardest part about nights are: is turning off the tv to go to bed

10. Each day I take: insulin and some other stuff

11. Regarding alternative treatments: find it interesting....

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: none of thee above

13. Regarding working and career: want to have a job that allows me to check my sugar and treat a low

14. People would be surprised to know: i reuse needles HA and i love diabetic humor jokes, especially chuck norris

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: the balance of living a life with no regrets, but the kind that doesn't hurt my freedom to be me and hurt my over all health to be free

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: eat candy and junk food

17. The commercials about my illness: soooo cheesy, but fun to life at

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: overindulging in chips and salsa or my fave candy, and not worrying about not feeling good as i go about my day (i go back and forth sometime)

19. It was really hard to have to give up: mountain dew and double choco cookies and blizzards

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: very knowledgeable about diabetes

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: eat what i want, exerise hard, and sleep in

22. My illness has taught me: life sucks and that sometimes you can't be "the perfect" diabetic

23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is:telling me what i should and shouldn't do, i'll do what i damn well please be it good or bad.

24. But I love it when people: offer me sugary food even though they know i'm diabetic, or when they insist that there food is diabetic friendly and it really a) taste bad b) isn't really friendly c) is very very bad (aka goood)

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: God will not allow anything to come into your life that you cannot handle.

26. When someone is diagnosed I'd like to tell them: read everything in site, question everything, and figure out what works for you and only you

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how expensive the disease really is

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: my friend took his mothers bday present of a bear holding a gift and he wrote insulin on the gift, and then gave it to me.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: i didn't know i was involved... i guess i am without knowing it, it's like i'm invisible to the fact that i'm invisible to it. hahahaa

hey!

will somebody come to my house check my sugar, make me some food, and make me take some medicine. I haven't been acting diabetic for the last couple months... i think i forgot how to!

In other words i'm NOT looking forward to "making" myself start a routine/schedule or picking out food to eat

Why

Why do you think diabetics decide to not take care of themselves or why do you think diabetics decide not to handle their blood sugar?

Being a diabetic is very hard, not acting like a diabetic is hard to, especially on your body

though a persons goal is to keep good control, a person also doesn't want to be tied down

It's really hard to be spontaneous when following a mundane schedule

When we have control of our blood sugar we have control of our diabetes, but we also have to deal with the confusing upkeep

when we choose not to take our medicine, count or carbs, or check our sugar we are trying to regain control of our life

(a life outside of the disease)

I find myself going back and forth from good control to bad control, because i want to have it all.

I want to be able to do whatever i want, and i don't want my sugar keeping me back

but if i don't do what i'm suppose to then i won't have the energy to accomplish what i need and dream to do

I want the great control, but i want the freedom to

by ignoring it, it doesn't exist

by acknowledging it we place boundaries and restrictions

but what about all the potential complications??

I believe diabetics yo yo so much because emotionally it's the only way we know to handle the disease, despite the end result

we know we're hurting ourselves, but if we can't handle it emotionally then we will never be able to handle the physical reality of it

it's the only way we don't go crazy

denail, anger, guilt, ashamed balanced with freedom, control, health, happiness

I think the answer to stop the yo yo effect is to find a balance between living your life and controlling your diabetes

Now that's the real challenge

keeping things fresh and living your life without limitations while not letting the diabetes get you down or control your life

but the enigma is

you have to remember that if you don't control you diabetes it will be hard to live that life without complications to your freedom