Happy Domo Day to All

WHY have a happy domo day??? Because today is my birthday!!! YYAYAYAYY and NAYYYY
Even though it's my birthday, i actually don't normally celebrate it...unless telling everybody it's my birthday counts..... :D:D:D:D:D I never expect anything and does make me think oh no...another year gone by what do i have to show... Well if there is one thing i will be happy about it will hopefully be that i will be pumping soon. I'm wearing the omnipod demo pod right now!!! I went to a seminar a day ago. I Learned alot stuff i already knew, thanks to omnipod user group, and here's what i can remember off the top of my head that i like
1. TUBELESS, no brainer right there
2. SMALL, getting smaller
3. INNOVATIVE, neato all in meter/pda (now if only it could play mp3s...)
4. CONTROL, i can finally stop being afraid of exercise!
oh yeah and lot stuff about atheletes and such being able to use it, i saw the video!
Things i might not like.... meter/pda is kinda bulky... i keep on knocking into things... i am not going to like this on my stomache at all...getting used to pump talk :P
but overall what's most important is that it's covered by my insurance, a women in there with her fam asked why the seminar isn't full well DUH not everybody can get this covered or knows about it. I guess Ohio is one of the last few.... plus it looks like a mutant egg hatched on my skin and is claiming my body to breed on... anybody ever watch Buffy the vampire slayer? This is why i would never will watch a egg in school (i'd hard boil it anyway) (anybody get this reference and can name the episode will be considered totally awesome in my book)
Of course you know they have to be paying Jonas brother underneath the table...
BUT i still have to wait for my docs approval... yikes. So hopefully they call me tomorrow when they see that omnipod faxed them the papers... maybe it's wishful thinking but i hope he just signs it (we briefly talked about it in the past couple times).
I wish everybody lots of forbidden cakes and cookies on my birthday, though i will not be splurging to much (trying to keep my a1c slim)... I would kill for a coke zero. :D

detox isn't the right word

Well I saw my doc today, he removed the tini tiny stitch from my tini tiny pinkie toe. My poor toe is fine thank you, i never even cashed in the vacatin (ha drug joke there). As i was sitting there my doc did his weird "check up," you know where they make you touch your fingers to your thumbs or press on your stomach or make you say ah! He asked me the usual questions: do yousmokedrinktroublebreathingasthmablurryvisionheartdisease in family yada yada yada. I said no.. well my vision has been blurry... My sister with glasses can see farther away then me...
Then the doc told me my A1C.... i already knew it was bad~ he dropped the number 12, i look up smile and say "wow i went up a whole point." In this world having more is a good thing, but when it comes to A1C nobody throws you party unless your under 7. (what's seven like again, god i don't remember). Now the doc put me on antidepressants, there working wonderful , but i wonder where my high sugar related bad mood begins and my normal bad mood ends. So i'm feeling pretty good, maybe not my full self, but that part will never come back because my pancreas decided to retire early in life.
When i walk into the office i told my doc "i think i'm ready for the jump" he did a double take and asked me what i meant. I meant the diabetic jump, or as drug addict would put it "jump to sobriety." Ex. my sobriety is to get back on drugs (well hormone). Does nobody know my diabetic humor by now? I guess telling everybody i got my toe chopped off wasn't funny then...well it was funny to me (don't worry i told them straight away my toe was fine).
Before i left i explained to my doc that i was hesitate on starting mainly because you feel crappy (insert other word) at normal for a while. Then he tells me to start out slowly and work my way up.... DOH! Why didn't i think of that all on my own??? As bad as i have been this whole time, my real trouble was not accepcting diabetes it was getting a jump start on it without feeling like a zombie (but alas i do love zombies). So i'm trying a low dosage of humalog until i work my way back to feeling okay at the normal range of blood sugarsl. But i can't escape the feeling of losing my mind as i sit at 172...I feel like i'm detoxing from a drug, finding my state of normalancy or sobriety of sorts.
In other news i'm looking into the omnipod. Till then i'm at mercy to my lack of strong will around yummy foods. But i really don't want to over do my insulin, i'm not looking forward to the lows. Detox is fine, Intox whatever, low i don't think so.
No more gummy worms
No more choco chip cookies
What to dream of now?

goals goals goals

Goals goals goals, everybody sets them and tries to knock them down. Well being a procrastinator by nature and only having a bed in my effieceny apartment to sit/lay/eat/sleep on...i find goals troublesome. I start projects and never finish them, which is probably why laundry never gets where its supposed to. But i guess you have to start somewhere.... but i've been hiding from my diabetes for so long... i can go around in circles of excuses. BUT that's why this site is nice... you can't use any excuses here.... I don't feel good, I don't like injections,i hate counting carbs, blah blah blah. I guess it helps to open up but when you do people expect things from you! GASP, believe me i know because everybody around me assumes i know what i'm doing, and i like that, because then they don't look twice when i eat something i shouldn't, there minds are to busy to see what i hide or eat. You can't forget there looks of disappointment, but they fade when the subject changes.... Even my doc can't really help me unless i help myself.
WHY WHY WHY don't these precious diabetics do what there suppose to? Are we stupid? Un compliant? Are we insane (hey sometimes i feel crazy). Am i still mourning my past life, i think i'll always mourn that life.... Am i angry,guility, scared? YES. If i had to explain it i would put it this way "i don't like how i feel when i don't act diabetic, and i don't like how i feel when i do." I always figured you had to emotionally handle diabetes before you could be diabetic, but we can't just take a pause from life to do that. Life just isn't fair like that, so we have to struggle and balance a million things at once: emotions, checking sugars, bad days, weird days, bad sugars and of course the only explantion for bad sugars can be dechipered through how we deal with LIFE. I wish diabetes was as simple as taking a pill and a shot and i'm all good. But no it takes so much more work then that, nobody can understand, and the few around us that do never really see how much we think about it. CONSTANT reminders during our rush through life, hold us back because we just can't be sponatenous anymore. Everything has to be planned, or at least thrown together to make sure its plan (thats me). Its not fun disease that's for sure, but since none of us really wanna die...i guess we gotta do what we gotta do, just how do i make myself do what i gotta do?
Well the one goal i do have before thursday is to cook a meal... not sure what to cook yet, i feel like i have another million things i gotta do before i even do that... I hate baby steps (hahah what about bob) so i don't know... guess start thinking less and start doing more.
My list of goals for the week
1. go grocery shopping and pick out stuff for recipe
2. hahaha find recipe of something i wanna cook
3. clean house, zzzzzzz
4. sort through stuff and start packing the stuff that goes to good will
5.try not to oversleep
6. doc on monday, ask for referal to diabetes educators
7. get my free offer of kwik humalog pins
8.try to stop eating out...yeah right!!
9. Take insulin
10. Check and document sugars.